Wednesday, December 8, 2010

One More Robot's Top 10 On-Screen Womanisers

We count down 10 of the greatest womanisers to ever grace the small and big screen.

By Jesse Melia, Stephen Rogers & Dean Van Nguyen

10: Sebastian Valmont
As seen in Cruel Intentions

Simple womanising was not enough for Sebastian Valmont. Bored of "sleeping with these insipid Manhattan debutantes" because "nothing shocks them anymore," he and step-sister Katheryn (Sarah Michelle Geller) plot sexual conquests from their Upper East Side townhouse that will destroy the lives of the likes of Tara Reid, Selma Blair, Swoosie Kurtz and Reese Witherspoon. It's his attempts to sleep with the latter that becomes the subject of a bet between Valmont and Katheryn. Lose, and Sebastian will have to give up his beloved sports car. Win, and he will finally bed the conquest of his dreams; Katheryn herself. He dies at the end of the movie, but not before repenting and announcing his love for Reese. But his journal of sexual escapades is copied for all to see, surely inspiring countless other teen womanisers for generations to come.

09: Victor
As seen in The Rules of Attraction

Camden College is a hive of sex and drugs. There is an excuse to party every night. Your actual college work is secondary to the hedonistic pursuit of your next high. In such a battlefield of deviance, you’d have to be pretty formidable to rise above the regular fiends on campus. Victor, while his role in the book and movie version of Rules of Attraction may be notably slim, is unquestionably devastating. Played to perfection by One More Robot wunderkind Kip Pardue, Victor's short screen time burns itself into the viewer's sexual memory bank. The centrepiece of the movie is without doubt his debauched trip around Europe. Victor's non-stop party adventures fly out of the screen at a breathless pace leaving the viewer mildly uneasy and yet very inspired. Victor simply slams beer, does drugs and ravishes women which one imagines Kip Pardue is doing as you’re reading this.

08: Shawn Michaels
As seen in WWE Wrestling

Loads of wrestlers have brought narcissistic elements to their persona, but no one has incorporated actual womanising into their performances like Shawn Michaels. Having won the 1995 Royal Rumble, he earned the right to be escorted down the aisle at Wrestlemania by nineties uber-babe Pamela Anderson and all the sexy promo work that went with it. Not content, ‘The Heartbreak Kid’ dropped her on the night for a younger model, Jenny McCarthy. His first on-screen romance though was with Sensational Sherry (who sang an early version of his famous ring entrance theme), even battling ‘The Model’ Rick Martel for her affections in a “no hitting the face” match, to protect the handsome features required to keep Sherry sweet. Sadly, real life sometimes bleeds into wrestling and Michaels' marriage has restricted his slutting as of late. But if Usher taught us anything it's that a bad divorce can lead to a lot of music about fucking multiple woman, and should Michaels ever find himself single again lets hope he brings the same themes to his art form.

07: James Bond
As seen in Twenty-odd Bond Movies

We would be remiss, nay completely ignorant, in our duties as analysts of all things pop culture if we compiled a list of womanisers that didn’t feature everyone’s favourite Double O (assuming you’re not an insane Sean Bean fan and you actually preferred 006, Alec Trevelyan from GoldenEye). Everyone knows Bond, and everyone knows these things about Bond; he’s a secret agent, he’s British, he’s always got an array of deadly gadgets and beautiful cars to help him in his exploits, and in every movie he is going to sleep with every single legal female he wants to. But c’mon, what else is a red-blooded man going to do in a world populated by women with names like Honey Ryder, Pussy Galore, Xenia Onatopp, and Holly Goodhead!? Even when his conquests don’t have overtly sexual ridiculous names (just straightforward ridiculous names), like Dr. Christmas Jones, they still only existed as a set-up to the punch line when he eventually did ride them – “I thought Christmas only comes once a year.”

06: Vincent Chase
As seen in Entourage

Entourage is a show about the frequent highs and occasional lows of Hollywood fame, and at the centre of this debauched universe is handsome movie star Vinnie Chase. His tousled hair and laid back demeanour coupled with his A list status is irresistible to literally every woman he comes into contact with. We the audience can only sit back and marvel at how, week after week, Chase manages to fall into erotic situations with a plethora of stunning vixens and then discard them on a whim. This is not a criticism. Vinnie is indifferent to pretty much all of the goings on in his life, he gets his business and lifestyle worries handled by the titular entourage while he just sits back and enjoys the seemingly endless stream of maidens. Of course, like all men, Vinnie has been haunted by certain ladies from time to time but he’s always bounced back. His conquests number in the hundreds. He isn’t living the dream. He is the dream.

05: Black Dynamite
As seen in Black Dynamite

Blaxploitation movie's leading men were traditionally the picture of alpha male machismo, so if your going to parody the genre, you better hire an actor with testosterone levels higher than a Black Panther's clenched fist. Enter Michael Jai White and his superfly creation Black Dynamite. In the movie of the same name, our hero's introduction sees him being praised by three naked woman for his sexual prowess before he delivers the immortal line "Shh. Mama, you're gonna wake up the rest of the bitches," revealing two more foxy ladies still slumbering. Spin kicking his way through the movie, Black Dynamite's adventures take him all the way to The White House, defeating Tricky Dick Nixon and leaving First Lady Patricia clutching at his feet, in awe of this ultimate specimen of manhood.

04: Jay
As seen in Various Kevin Smith Movies

Never would I have thought the words “I’ll fuck anything that moves!!” could sound so much like a war cry, a statement of intent, a cry for help, and the idiotic outburst of a boorish moron all at the same time. But coming from everyone’s favourite loudmouth stoner simpleton Jay, from Kevin Smith’s “Jersey” films, it’s just that, and the perfect summation of his character. Jay is more of a womaniser in theory though, as his actual success rate with the ladies is questionable to say the least. He seems to spend more time having his vulgar come-on’s (“Hey lady! You ever get eaten out by a fat man in an overcoat?!”) spurned than he does actually getting lucky. It’s not much of a surprise given the aforementioned foul mouth, and the fact he spends the majority of the rest of his free time hanging around outside the local convenience store selling dime bags of weed to teenagers, and occasionally extolling the virtues of funk legends The Time. These are things most self respecting women would not really look for in a mate, but it’s Jay’s absolute dedication to the ladies (or more accurately a very specific part of their anatomy) that makes him worthy of inclusion. No one chases tail with as much blind naive enthusiasm as Jay. That is something we (men) can all respect.

03: Don Draper
As seen in Mad Men

Don Draper is a deeply troubled individual. He has a haunted past that is always threatening to catch up with him. His life at home, while on the surface is warm and loving, is built on a dangerously flimsy foundation which could collapse at any minute. While he’s the leader of the pack at his workplace, he’s constantly under pressure from scheming underlings and demanding clients. He drinks and smokes constantly. His life is a maze of uncertainty. But one thing is certain; Don Draper can get the ladies. With his slick suits and effortless charm Draper has turned seduction into a sport. Draper's list of conquests is formidable. He’s dominated women of all social statuses and all legal ages. He wants to live a more honest life but he is too much of an alpha male to ever put that plan into action. Maybe one day he’ll be able to settle down, but chances are that will be due to his alcohol induced death, but for now Draper will continue his promiscuous ways, and we will be compelled to cheer him on because regards of his moral flaws.

02: Christian Troy
As seen in Nip/Tuck

Before descending into plot lines involving scientology and serial killers, Nip/Tuck was seen as an important show for its depiction of America's obsession with cosmetic surgery during the pre-economic crash years. Most of the patients portrayed were based on actual procedures that had taken place in real life. Guiding us through this labyrinth of insecurity and vanity was a partnership consisting the talented Dr. Se├ín McNamara and the morally inept Dr. Christian Troy. For better or worse, plot lines almost always revolved around Christian’s sex life. He would often give free tit jobs in return for sexual favours, or agree to pleasure patients whose surgeries had been botched in return for their silence. Nip/Tuck sometimes alluded to the traumatic childhood abuse he suffered as one reason behind Christian’s seemingly unquenchable thirst for debauchery, but he himself might never discover this as during his one attempt at therapy, he had sex with his counsellor (played by Brooke Shields, of course). But while he had a lot of sex strictly for pleasure, it would often get him into trouble, as he discovered when it was revealed he was the biological father of Dr. McNamara’s teenage son. Indeed, for Christian Troy sex was both the cause of, and solution to, all of his problems.

01: Zapp Brannigan
As seen in Futurama

No one womanises quite as shamelessly, hilariously or as intergalactically as the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan. This velour uniform loving space captain has been a series standout from his first appearance in Futurama. A pitch-perfect parody of Star Trek’s own captain James T. Kirk, the painfully un-suave Brannigan was described by creator Matt Groening as being about 40% Kirk and 60% Shatner, like what would happen if the man himself, William Shatner, had to captain the Enterprise. Zapp is arrogant, narcissistic, and completely incompetent, dedicated to upholding Brannigan’s Law – not that he or anyone one else seems to know what that is. What we do know is that “Brannigan’s Law is like Brannigan’s Love – Hard and fast.”

Zapp is not above launching nonsensical attacks on defenceless alien races to boost his questionable reputation. Like defeating the pacifists of the Ghandi nebula, conquering the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula, or defeating the Killbots in the Auctlian system, forcing them to reach their kill limit by sending wave after wave of men to their deaths. His true goal in all this is simply to get the girls, luring them back to his humble quarters or as he calls it, “The Lovenasium”. Zapp is a bit of a softie at heart though, holding a candle for the spunky cyclopean lady captain of the Planet Express ship, Turunga Leela, after their first encounter resulted in his pathetic efforts to seduce her failing and her then having pity sex with him. Zapp revels in bringing this up in all of their subsequent encounters, as he makes the moves for a repeat performance. Therein is Zapp Brannigan’s core motivation, as he put it himself – “I made it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?”

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